zen really is not this flowery feeling of good feelings and everything's gumdrops and airplane shots.

honestly since i've been actually sitting, the ugly shit about myself i would rather disbelieve in,and push aside bubbles up to the surface. no matter how much i try to not be distracted by these thoughts.
they pop up after sitting in my actual everyday life.
it's not all lotus petals and everlasting bliss.
it actually SUCKS sometimes.
if anybody knows of any good teachers, zen-dos or whatever in the vancouver washington area, please lemme know.
i need a good teacher right about now.
zen aint some mamby pamby shit to be taken lightly. i now realize that a good teacher is essential in helping keep one grounded.